The Rules of the Game

Not that this is a competition or anything particularly serious but before I do my first review of a Balham coffee it's probably only right that I set out the parameters on which I'm going to be doing my evaluations. So here's a bit of a framework I'll try and stick to:

First of all where possible I will try an espresso and a flat white, when flat white is not available I will go for a cappuccino. Cake or pastries will usually be part of the deal too.

Coffee: first and foremost this is what it's about. I'm not going to have any pretentious coffee evaluation categories. So here is what I'm going to look for in a good coffee:

• Hot - I want a hot coffee, not lukewarm. Coffee is something to be savoured not to gulp down, I want something which will still be warm when I'm finishing it.
• Aroma - Might sound a bit snobby, but I do want my coffee to hit me right from the first sniff.
• Flavour - I think real coffee connoisseurs have several ways of judging flavour, I will have one broad measure, it's got to taste good, to me good means a bit of sharpness, strong flavour but not burnt or too bitter. It's a fine balance, I can't describe the technical detail of it all but as a coffee drinker I know when I've got a good coffee
• Texture - again not sure this is a technical thing but I want my flat white to feel creamy as I drink it. A cappuccino needs to have a strong cap - don't put soap suds on top of my coffee.
• Presentation - I never want to see lipstick on my coffee cup, ever. Happens way too often. If you're doing a flat white, put one of those patterns on top if you want but you better be sure that the coffee taste good otherwise you just look stupid.

That's it on the coffee. There are a couple of other things too:

• Service - quick, friendly, switched on service. If it's not busy don't make me wait. There are lots of smart people out there that want a job, don't act like you'd rather be somewhere else, even if you do - it's not cool.
• Food - generally I'll be going in for a piece of cake or a pastry to accompany my coffee, if it's cake, homemade is best. If it is homemade I don't want it to taste or have the texture of a factory cake, I want imperfections so I know a person and not a machine has made the cake. Cakes should have strong flavour and be moist. Pastries should be a little crisp and light. Just be yummy.
• Location/atmosphere - I already know most of the coffee shops in Balham, some have atmosphere, others don't, to me it's important, if I'm sitting down for a coffee I want to be sitting somewhere that I'll feel good for time I'm there. Interesting, quirky, comfortable are all good.

That'll do, let's see how that serves me tomorrow and maybe we'll make some adjustments after that.

I think I will give an overall score and ratings for each of the categories above, just for fun. My reviews will be predominantly qualitative though.